If you’re anything other than the most casual, Kool Aid-chugging Z100 listener, you’re probably aware that the Grammys suck massive amounts of dick a good amount of the time. I’m not going to get myself all worked up here with a Grammy Awards: Cluelessness and Disrespect 101 history lesson, but you get my point. (Side note: Sometimes I wonder if film buffs feel the same about the Oscars, but I’m as fair weather a moviegoer as they come, so if that’s the case, I’m part of the problem.)
Of course I love music too much to look away, and every year my morbid curiosity gets the best of me.Here’s a cathartic synopsis of some of my most primitive thoughts: the right decisions, the wrong decisions, and some additional commentary about the show itself. So I’ll begin with a dissection of the categories relevant to this blog, and end with a bunch of self-absorbed opinions. Enjoy!
Category: Album of the Year
Winner: 25 – Adele
Who Should’ve Won: Lemonade – Beyonce
Why: Ask Adele. She’ll tell you.
Category: Song of the Year
Winner: Hello – Adele
Who Should’ve Won: Hello – Adele
Why: Despite my personal distaste for it, “Hello” has been a ubiquitous radio monster for the last 18 months, and with its success we saw Adele reach an even higher echelon of stardom than on her tremendous 21 album cycle.
Category: Best New Artist
Winner: Chance The Rapper
Who Should’ve Won: Anderson .Paak
Why: Chance is not NEW you fucking idiots. Since Acid Rap dropped in 2013, he has been the de facto face of independent Hip-Hop and a massively influential force in the industry’s ever-evolving approach to music distribution. But hey, I guess when you’re half a decade behind, he IS new.
Category: Best Pop Duo/Group Performance
Winner: “Stressed Out” – Twenty One Pilots
Who Should’ve Won: “Stressed Out” – Twenty One Pilots
Why: So we could see one of the best acceptance speeches of all time.
Category: Best Pop Vocal Album
Winner: 25 – Adele
Who Should’ve Won: Dangerous Woman – Ariana Grande
Why: Beyonce may have had the artfulness and critically acclaim, but Ariana had the hits! Not just one or two, but a whole album full of them! Like it or not, Dangerous Woman is such a flawlessly executed Pop record that it’s still dominating airwaves EIGHT MONTHS after its release.
Category: Best Pop Solo Performance
Winner: “Hello” – Adele
Who Should’ve Won: “Dangerous Woman” – Ariana Grande
Why: Far and away the better song! Plus, it was so cool to hear some bluesy guitars make it onto the charts.
Category: Best Rock Song
Winner: “Blackstar” – David Bowie
Who Should’ve Won: “Blackstar” – David Bowie
Why: Even though this is classic “better-late-than-never” posthumous appreciation from a clueless institution, “Blackstar” is an amazing song. Radiohead’s “Burn the Witch” gets a close second here.
Category: Best Rock Performance
Winner: “Blackstar” – David Bowie
Who Should’ve Won: “Blackstar” – David Bowie
Why: What a joke that Bowie’s competition for best ROCK performance was a fucking Beyonce song and Disturbed’s Simon & Garfunkel cover. Fuck the Grammys.
Category: Best Metal Performance
Winner: “Dystopia” – Megadeth
Who Should’ve Won: “Dystopia” – Megadeth
Why: Would’ve been happy with Megadeth, Baroness, or Gojira on this one. All three are favorites of mine! The Grammys are so historically clueless with Metal that you just hope the dice land in a reasonable place (i.e. NOT Motorhead winning for a Metallica cover, or Tenacious D beating out Slipknot, Mastodon, Motorhead, and Anthrax).
Category: Best Rock Album
Winner: Tell Me I’m Pretty – Cage the Elephant
Who Should’ve Won: Weezer – Weezer
Why: Weezer was a Top 5 Album for me last year. Cage…maybe in the top….300? Haha. Oh, and Gojira is not a “rock band” guys. The Grammys’ ignorance would almost be cute if it wasn’t so upsetting
Category: Best Urban Contemporary Album
Winner: Lemonade – Beyonce
Who Should’ve Won: Lemonade – Beyonce
Why: …
Category: Best Rap Album
Winner: Coloring Book – Chance the Rapper
Who Should’ve Won: The Life of Pablo – Kanye West
Why: MASSIVE respect to Chance for his much deserved win! Couldn’t be happier for him. It’s a big moment in Grammys history since Coloring Book is a “free project” and all. I just preferred TLOP.
Category: Best Rap Performance
Winner: “No Problem” – Chance the Rapper
Who Should’ve Won: “No Problem” – Chance the Rapper
Why: One Summer ‘16’s most irresistible and inescapable bangers. Blows the other four nominees out of the water (let’s face it, the nominees themselves are the real issue a lot of the time).
Category: Best Rap song
Winner: “Hotline Bling” – Drake
Who Should’ve Won: “Famous” – Kanye West feat. Rihanna
Why: Drake did crush it with “Hotline Bling”. He really did. But it’s another in a long line of petty bitter ex-boyfriend-isms from Drizzy that glorify controlling, chauvinistic nonsense. So I guess I’ll go with the less concealed chauvinism on “Famous”.
Category: Best Rap/Sung Performance
Winner: “Hotline Bling” – Drake
Who Should’ve Won: “Hotline Bling” – Drake
Why: I HAVE to give him this. Much more appropriate in this category anyway ‘cause he’s barely even “rapping” on this track.
Some More Thoughts:
- Big ups to Frank Ocean for his well-worded pre-Grammys temper tantrum. Lots of truth bombs being dropped.
- A Tribe Called Quest’s performance was one of the greatest moments in Grammy history. So powerful, so true to their legacy, and so NEEDED. Please watch it if you haven’t yet! They call Trump “President Agent Orange” on national television.
- Say what you want about Adele beating out Beyonce, but to her credit, she did a HELLUVA better job being a white apologist than Macklemore did when he beat out Kendrick. I still cringe so hard when I think about that.
- The Chainsmokers need to go away. I’m praying that they’re relevant by the 2018 show. Unfortunately I’m an Atheist, so Closer 3.0 and Closer 4.0 might be up for some awards next year (Closer 2.0 is “Paris”, in case you’re wondering).
- Twenty One Pilots gave one of the most memorable, touching acceptance speeches I’ve ever seen. Though I’m beginning to grow out of their music, I’m so happy for those guys and all their much deserved success.
- Putting aside the two things that everybody was upset about – James Hetfield’s mic being turned off and the tranny forgetting to mention Metallica’s name when he/she introduced them – the Metallica/Lady GaGa collaboration was fucking wack. Having been not only a fan of GaGa, but aware of her unabashed Metal fandom for quite some, I had high hopes, but it was as awkward and forced as an Anakin/Padme love scene in Attack of the Clones. Bummed me the hell out.
- Lastly, to all you Metalheads getting your studs and leather in a wad over this shit – the Grammys have NEVER showed one iota of respect towards the genre. This is not new. You can get as pissed as you want, but what you should really do is focus your attention on bigging up the true METAL awards shows hosted by REAL members of the faithful like Revolver and Metal Hammer. Let’s put our energy into making these awards shows a cornerstone of the genre! Forget the Grammys. In Metal, when you’re not invited to the party, you start your own.
